


A Story Of Questionable Decisions

by myfanatickingdom



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Alya gives questionable advice, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Marichat | Adrien Agreste as Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng, Plagg Being Plagg (Miraculous Ladybug), Tikki is the mum friend, We love her but she's not always very helpful, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-16 17:27:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28834875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myfanatickingdom/pseuds/myfanatickingdom
Summary: Chat wants Ladybug to notice him as a love interest, and flirting just isn't doing the trick, so after meeting Marinette, who is similarly broken-hearted, they begin to 'date', because what better way is there to make your crush notice you, than to make them jealous? (Hint - there's a few). Marichat fake-dating fanfic.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Alya Césaire & Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug
Comments: 1
Kudos: 76





	1. Stage 1: Making a Questionable Decision

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own Miraculous Ladybug.  
>  I don’t even own most of the dialogue or plot in this chapter because this takes place in the episode Glaciator. There are some spoilers, but as this diverges from cannon quite early on in the episode, the spoilers are only mild.

"I am sick and tired of hearing you complaining when you won't do anything to help yourself!"

"Alyaa, I just can't help it. You know getting tongue tied around him isn't something I can control!"

"But he totally bailed on the sweetheart ice-cream and you didn't even chase him about it or ask why he couldn't come. Actions speak louder than words Mari and you don't seem to be using much of either."

"I keep trying. I've tried to ask him out multiple times!"

"Those convoluted plans never work and you know it."

"You help me come up with them," whined Marinette, "Well what do you think I should do to get his attention then?"

"Actually talk to him?"

"You're right. I can't talk to him. He'd never have wanted to share Andre's sweetheart ice-cream with me anyway. He'd have realised I had a crush on him and called me out in front of the entire class and then moved schools so he didn't have to deal with me and then he'd go out with Chloe because they'd both hate me and I'd never talk to him again!"

"That's a bit of an overreaction. If you're so sure he's not interested then try making him jealous. That's one way to get his attention. And I'm pretty sure Nathaniel's still interested in you, if you want to give it a go."

"That's a terrible idea!" Marinette spluttered.

"That's what you think. When you're ready to actually pursue Adrien let me know."

With that, Alya hung up. Marinette sighed and flopped onto her bed to stare at the ceiling. She didn't know what Alya was thinking. If Marinette couldn't say more than three words in a row to her crush, how was she meant to conduct an actual relationship with someone – let alone parade it in front of them! Not to mention that it was mean to lead someone else on when her heart belonged to Adrien alone. Marinette heaved another dramatic sigh. It was hopeless. She inched her way off the bed and clambered out onto the roof, barely avoiding hitting herself in the head with the trap door as she did so. As she stared out into the flickering, twinkling lights of Paris, she could only wish that Adrien would eventually return her feelings.

Chat Noir walked along the romantic candle-lit rooftop, blowing out each candle he came across.

"She loves me." A bright light winked out.

"She loves me not." As did the next.

"She loves me." Yet another.

Chat stared at the last candle, but could not bring himself to blow it out, choosing to cradle it instead. His lady was not coming; all his effort was wasted, but he would still not admit that she didn't love him. He told himself that it was only a childish superstition anyway, but that last glimmer of his defiance – his hope - stayed nested in the palms of his hands. He leant against the railing. As he stared out into the peace and quiet of the sleeping city, he could only wish that one day his bugaboo would see that his love was true.

"Hello." came a melancholy voice from behind Marinette.

"Chat Noir, what are you doing here? Don't you have superhero-y things to be doing?" replied Marinette, startled.

"No. Not tonight." His expression was so disheartened that Marinette wanted to reach out and hug him.

"I don't feel like being a superhero tonight. And I also don't feel like being alone tonight. Do you mind if I hung out here for a little while?" Marinette nodded, a blush working its way onto her cheeks despite herself.

"We've met before, haven't we?"

"Yeah, a bunch of times – I mean yes we have! One time a supervillain fell in love with me! Talk about bad luck." Marinette fumbled and stuttered over her words. Trust her to nearly reveal herself to Chat Noir in the first proper conversation she had with him as a civilian.

"Seriously, I seem to have been having some bad luck in the love department lately myself."

"What kind?"

"I had a special surprise all planned out for Ladybug, but she never showed."

Marinette winced.

"Sounds like you and I both need a bit of cheering up tonight."

"You? You've gotten your heart broken too?"

"Yep," sighed Marinette. She felt like that was why pain kept shooting through her chest when she thought about eating sweetheart's ice cream with Adrien. Was this what a broken heart felt like? Was this how she had made Chat feel?

"Sometimes I wonder if Ladybug even values me at all." Marinette gaped.

"Of course she does Chat! You're her partner! She couldn't save Paris without your help!"

"Do you ever feel like the person you love doesn't need you?" Only too often, Marinette thought, Adrien was so amazing and she would never be able to help _him_ – he was too far out of her league.

"That… That's different. You're Ladybug and Chat Noir the crime fighting duo. It isn't a duo if you're not part of it."

"I guess." Chat heaved a sigh.

"Look, you're doing better than me at least. I can't even talk to the guy I like without tripping over or messing up all my words and sounding like an idiot _and_ he's out of my league. Like way out."

"I guess," Chat repeated. He struggled to imagine anyone that would be out of Marinette's league – she was cute and smart and had amazing artistic talent – this guy must be something special.

"At least you don't have to get awful dating advice from your friends, because your love for Ladybug is a secret." Marinette rolled her eyes in an attempt to lighten the mood. It failed spectacularly.

"As you said, my friends can't give me any love advice. Share yours with me!"

"I don't think that's a good idea, Chat." Marinette felt she'd just made the understatement of the year.

"C'mon."

"My best friend, Alya, comes up with the most ridiculous suggestions. She gets them all from the trashy magazines she reads 'to sample different types of journalism'. _That's_ my best source of love advice." Marinette was highly sceptical of anything that came from _those_ magazines.

"But…Princess…I don't have any advice to follow at all! Surely, you can share her wisdom with me."

"Wisdom?" Marinette was incredulous," You can't call her advice that. I'm telling you, no advice is better advice than 'to just forget about them and start a different relationship'. Well, that's not quite what Alya said. She said to make them jealous, but it pretty much equates to the same thing."

Chat's face lit up.

"No! That's not the same thing at all! In fact, it's the _purr_ fect idea!"

"Puns? Really? I think I preferred you when you were feeling blue."

"But how could I be miserable when my _purr_ incess just gave me the best idea in the world! Fake-dating to make someone jealous is the oldest trick in the book. _Fur_ instance," Chat began to grin syly, "you and I would make a _fur_ midable fake couple."

"No, no ,no, no, no. I am not fake-dating anyone. Absolutely not. I don't even know how to fake date. Not happening. Nope. I am definitely not fake-dating _you_."

Chat pouted. Marinette could see the hurt welling up in his eyes.

"No. I didn't mean it like that, Chat, it's just, it's lying! For your own gain."

"I don't like your _catt_ itude, princess. I think it would work _purr_ fectly."

"Re-using puns, Chat Noir? Are you _fur_ real?"

Chat could have powered the entire city of Paris with that smile. Marinette wondered why she barely ever saw it as Ladybug.

"Who knew you had a soft spot for my _hiss_ terical puns?"

"I just thought I'd point out how they should be done. With flair. And sparingly."

"Awwww, you know you love my cat-tastic puns, but where were we? Ah yes, you were telling me how you couldn't possibly fake-date me, because you'd end up falling for my incredible charm."

Marinette felt Chat looked far too smug for someone that had been so miserable only minutes before-hand.

"I think you'll find you're mistaken!" she spluttered.

Chat winked, "Am I?"

Marinette couldn't help but roll her eyes. All this flirting and he wondered why Ladybug kept rejecting him? Silly kitten.

"However," Chat interjected, before she could huff dramatically, "regardless of your obvious attraction to my _claws_ ome self, I think we should fake date." He became more serious, "You have your boy, who you want to notice you, and I want to woo Ladybug…It's a mutually beneficial arrangement."

"Oh Chat, I don't think this is a good idea."

Chat gave Marinette the kitten eyes, "Unless you don't want to of course…"

Marinette knew she was making a catastrophic mistake, but she couldn't stand seeing her partner so upset and distraught because of her. And…he wouldn't be able to flirt with Ladybug if they were in a fake relationship! She might get some peace and quiet for once! Mind firmly made up (and it had nothing to do with the fact that she couldn't resist Chat's kitten eyes thank you very much), she spoke:

"I don't think you could even make it work. After all, you're always so flirtatious with Ladybug and you're going to need to appear to be a faithful boyfriend."

"I can manage."

"Suure."

"I will have you know that M'Lady will be begging me to _fur_ lirt with her by the time we're done."

"Uhuh."

"Wait and see. Watch a master at work. I can even give you dating advice."

"I get enough 'helpful' dating advice from my other friends."

"You consider me a friend?" Chat looked at her in surprise.

"Umm, sure. I mean I don't normally discuss fake-dating with people who aren't my friends."

"I'll be back tomorrow to discuss this. I have a slot between 4 and 5pm. After that I have an appointment I have to go to."

"I'll make extra macarons."

"We will be the _purr_ ettiest couple ever seen. Apart from me and M'Lady of course."

"Only so long as you stop it with the _claw_ ful puns."

Chat's gleeful laughter as he took off into the night assured her that he knew she hadn't meant it. She would never admit it, but she actually enjoyed some of her _chaton's_ better puns – if she was in a good mood. Marinette fell down the trapdoor onto her bed. Tikki buzzed up to meet her, with a disapproving look that left Marinette with absolutely no doubt as to how much she had heard. Tikki stared at her judgementally and then sighed as dramatically as Marinette often did (maybe it was a Ladybug thing) and drifted off. As if she couldn't help herself, she turned back to look at Marinette.

"This is unfair. How did Chat Noir describe it? A mutually beneficial arrangement? Well it won't be and that's unfair."

"But Tikki, this way he won't be constantly flirting with me. Do you know how much easier it'll be to defeat akumas when he isn't distracting me?"

Marinette heard a few crashes from outside.

"Marinetteee…Marinetteeee" was sung from the street. A giant ice-cream-snowman was freezing people as he strolled along the pavement.

"This isn't over Marinette," Tikki warned her, before being sucked into the miraculous. Marinette's love life would have to wait till after the akuma attack.


	2. Stage 2: Planning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Miraculous Ladybug or the Miraculous Ladybug characters
> 
> But I do own the dialogue/plot in this chapter and all the chapters afterwards unless otherwise specified.

CRASH

"Tikki, hide," Marinette hissed from where she was sat at her sewing desk. They'd just finished a long and arduous conversation about, well, about the person Marinette was fairly sure had just crash landed on her roof. She did hope that it wasn't her petunias the cat had knocked over and that he'd just clipped the begonias instead. Tikki was deeply disapproving of any type of deception except for when it was used to hide Marinette's superhero identity and had made that exceedingly clear. Several times. And while Marinette loved Tikki dearly, she could not be held accountable for her actions if Tikki kept on yapping about responsibility and unfair bargains.

"Princess, your knight in shining armour awaits," Chat called from the roof.

Taking care to ensure the macarons stayed on the plate they were precariously balanced on, Marinette rose inch by inch up the ladder, opened the trapdoor and consequently screamed, threw the macarons into the air and slipped and fell back down onto her bed. Chat's face loomed above her through the trap door and she shivered. His face had been far too close to hers for comfort.

"Sorry if I scared you," Chat apologised sheepishly, rubbing his hand against the back of his neck, " I hadn't realised you'd be coming up and um… well a pigeon flew past and it just looked so tasty and I mean I couldn't really help it and I just sort of started stalking it?" Marinette erupted into laughter. She just couldn't help it when he was looking so ashamed about admitting that he'd been stalking a pigeon.

"Hey! It wasn't that _hiss_ terical…" but Marinette knew Chat didn't mean it when he pouted and then broke out laughing as well. She climbed back up to the rooftop.

"So apart from stalking pigeons," Marinette muffled a few giggles with her jacket sleeve, "and chatting to civilians on rooftops, what do mighty superheroes such as yourself do for fun?"

Chat still looked slightly mock offended, but replied, "Well I'll have you know I'm an excellent model." And struck a pose so outrageous that Marinette nearly choked on one of the macarons she'd managed to salvage. "However, I also save damsels in distress in my free time." He looked far too smug.

"And let me guess? You go to clown school in the few precious hours you have in-between all these other hobbies," Marinette returned with a grin.

"I'm wounded Princess, absolutely devastated, your words cut me deeper than a knife! You have _purr_ petrated a terrible crime here tonight!" Marinette smiled at the dramatics. It was far too easy to bait Chat.

"Tell you what, I'll make it up to you with a macaron."

"Didn't you throw them here, there and everywhere when I startled you? Are these floor macarons you are of _fur_ ing me?"

"Ew. No. Gross. These are the few remaining survivors that stayed on the plate," Marinette responded, pulling a face to let Chat know exactly how disgusting the idea of floor macarons was. It was startling how easily she and Chat had slipped into their customary banter even though as far as he knew, they had only met once or twice. It was nice, to be able to talk to him without worrying if anything she said would make him think she liked him or whether he would confess his love and make everything awkward. It was relaxing actually.

Chat leaned forward and stole one of the macarons off of the plate. "What do you do in your free time? When you aren't feeding strays?" Marinette's smile grew wider at the self-deprecating joke.

"Nothing nearly as exciting as modelling," she said, "but I do like designing the clothes that they wear."

"Oh, right, I can't believe I'd forgotten about that," Chat muttered.

"How could you have forgotten it? It's not like I mentioned it when we were fighting off the evillustrator…"

"Umm, well, er, I um saw that you'd won that Gabriel Agreste hat design competition," he mentioned, rubbing his hand behind his neck again. "You were really good."

"Thanks, but it was such a small scale competition! I'm sure it wasn't that good," Marinette laughed deprecatingly. Chat just looked at her askance.

"Suure." Sarcasm emanated from every pore in his body.

"Anyway, you wanted to pretend we were dating," she prompted.

"You say that as if I'm the only one in this relationship!" Chat responded, eyes wide in mock terror.

"Haha very funny. I think we should have some ground rules."

"What kind of rules could possibly be necessary? We go on dates and say we're each other's boyfriend or girlfriend. It's not _furr_ y complicated."

"That," Marinette pointed at him with a biro she'd had tucked behind her ear, "just shows that you have not watched enough rom-coms. There _always_ need to be rules when you start fake dating." She adjusted the emergency notepad/sketchbook she'd pulled out of her purse.

"Rule 1: You can't flirt with Ladybug during akuma attacks."

"Rule 2: You have to make an attempt to talk _purr_ operly to the guy you like." Chat grabbed the notepad and biro and wrote it down in his awful scrawly handwriting. It honestly looked like dead spiders pressed on a page.

"What! That's not fair! It's not like I can control it!"

"The rules are the rules," he responded smoothly.

"Well then Rule 3 is that… umm…"

"Rule 3 is that you can't, whatever you do, fall in love with me," Chat declared.

"That won't be a problem!" Marinette spluttered. "Ahah! Rule 4: You have to let me pay for at least half of the dates!" She would have tried to pay for all of them, but she knew her kitty would never let that stand.

"What! No no no, that's not fair! _Purr_ incess," he whined.

"The rules are the rules," she said, mimicking Chat's earlier smug remark. He sat sulking and pouting with his tail wrapped round his body.

"Rule 5: I get to meet your parents. I feel awkward sneaking up here without them knowing."

"That is the worst idea in the history of ideas. Nope, nope, no. They are so embarrassing."

"Don't be a scaredy- _cat_!"

"Um well. Rule 6: No erm.. inappropriate touching.." Marinette felt blood rush to cheeks despite her best efforts and Chat's face lit up fire engine red too. He fell backwards over his tail in his haste to be a few steps away from her. Neither of then looked at each other for a full ten seconds.

"That wasn't going to be a problem." Chat finally said, a little icily.

"I know you're a gentleman! I wasn't doubting your honour or anything!" Marinette cried out hurriedly, "I'm just not… I don't want to have to kiss in the name of the fake relationship." This was one of the things she hadn't even thought about till Tikki had brought it up in a vain attempt to stop Marinette's 'latest crazy plan' (Tikki's phrasing not Marinette's). Marinette had nearly resolved to call the whole thing off, when she realised that Chat would never do anything like that unless she was fine with it. He was a perfect gentleman through and through. She just wanted to … clarify … that there would not be anything like that happening. Just so they were on the same page.

"Ok. Yeah. How are we going to be a convincing couple? If we exclude PDA and I erm.. agree with you that we shouldn't because I'm not quite comfortable with that either." Marinette honestly wanted to curl up into a hole and die. Chat's words were forced and stilted and they could still barely look each other in the eye. At least she knew the answer to his question. She'd done a bit of planning last night after Tikki had finished lecturing her (Tikki had given many different lectures).

"I thought we could use pet names. Like you call me princess."

"That isn't a pet name!" Chat responded, incredulous.

"Noo, but it could be. I just have to figure out what to call you. Any ideas?"

"Handsomest boyfriend ever?" Chat replied, flexing his - admittedly well-toned – muscles.

"Nooo. I want something I can actually say without throwing up." Marinette stuck her tongue out, glad that they were no longer being awkward.

"Honeypie? Cutie? Sweetcheeks?" Chat suggested.

"Oh god no," Marinette shuddered, "never in a million years. I'd rather call you alley cat or moggy."

"I'm offended. I will have you know that I am a most respectable and well bred cat. Pedigree if you will!"

"Okayyyy. I'll call you kitty instead. _Mon chaton_." Marinette decided.

"That… is disgustingly sweet."

"Ok. With that settled, we can move on to creating a backstory, so that if we get asked about how we started dating we have a response."

"Do you have notes on what we need to cover? Because there's organised and then there's micro-managing. And I didn't take you to be particularly organised considering the state of your room."

"That was an unnecessary remark and yes I do have notes thank you very much."

"So… you were saying we needed a _hiss_ tory…" Marinette chose not to remark on the pun. Taking a deep breath, she replied:

"Yes exactly that, and I'm stumped as to how a civilian and a superhero could start dating, especially considering I don't know your civilian identity." She looked at her kitty from the corner of her eye. The civilian identity was going to be a sensitive topic, and she didn't want to tell people she knew his identity because they'd try to pressure her into telling them, Alya in particular, and this was going to be stressful enough as it was. And she wouldn't go out with someone without knowing who they were. She just wouldn't. This would be totally out of character for her. It was one of the reasons she had refused Chat again and again, because it was too dangerous to reveal their identities and what type of a relationship could they have if they didn't even know what the other looked like without a mask?

"I hadn't thought of that. We could just say I met you through the bakery, because I do tend to frequent it. Oh! And we could have a coffee shop style story where you were the one who served me and I slowly fell in love with your quick wit and you were charmed by my never-ending ocean of cat puns."

"How much fanfiction do you read?"

"Uh, well I don't tell many people this, but I'm actually a bit of a nerd. I want to be a _purr_ fessor when I grow up and everything."

"Chat Noir. Can I just tell you that your nerd vibes are visible from the moon? Because no one who isn't a massive nerd can _litter_ their speech effortlessly with puns."

"Don't think I didn't spot what you did there! Does this make you a massive nerd too?" he teased, a relentless grin spreading across his face in the distinct expression he had that Marinette had chosen to name 'someone-else-just-made-a-pun-I'm-not-the-only-nerd-here'. It was a distinctly adorable expression, she had to admit.

"Yes, yes, I am a nerd too. A massive nerd, but you are a massiv-er one!" she giggled.

"So where are we going for our first date? Somewhere in the middle of the public eye so that it gets back to Ladybug?"

"Uhuh, umm sure. Let me check something quickly." Marinette disappeared into her bedroom. Once she had made sure that Chat couldn't see her, she unwound Adrien's schedule from her ceiling and started making a list of the times he would be available and would be around to see her and Chat on a date. There was a promising slot after his fencing on Friday that was free, so she scribbled a star next to it. There was a beautiful coffee shop there that they could have a date in and as a plus it had lovely large windows or an option to sit outside if it was sunny weather.

When she reappeared, Chat had taken to cloud gazing and was humming something under his breath.

"Are you free on Friday at 4:45? There's a quaint coffee shop – if you're so insistent on a coffee shop au style romance – with big windows just by Collège Françoise Dupont. It's called _le bec absurde_ , do you know it?" Marinette inquired.

"Uh yeah! That sounds brilliant. I might be a bit late because I have an … appointment that ends at 4: 40, but it's really nearby so I should be fine."

"It's a date." Marinette announced, dissolving into helpless giggles, "and after that date, you are coming here and we are watching a fake dating rom-com, because you have clearly not watched enough."

"I don't think I get a choice in this, do I?"

"Nope."

" _Purr_ fect," Chat said, rolling both his 'r's and his eyes, "I will see you for coffee on Friday and don't say a word to anyone beforehand. Unless you want to tell your best friend that you're going on a date, that way it's more believable, right?"

"No, because we're pretending we've been keeping it a secret for a while now. It wouldn't make any sense. And I am nowhere near prepared for the interrogation I'll be sure to receive when I tell Alya about this. I'll be putting _that_ off for as long as possible. I'll see you on Friday then."

"Ok, well, bye."

"Bye."

"I'll see you soon then."

"Oh my word, just go already you silly kitty! I know you have an appointment you've got to get to. You mentioned it earlier remember? Said you couldn't stay long? Goooo. Shooo. Or I won't feed any strays that crash land into my flowers next time they come."

"I'm going, I'm going!" but the silly kitten still looked back over his shoulder before he bounced away through Paris, back to wherever he was meant to be. Marinette smiled softly to herself. Her _chaton_ was too cute for words. When she finally went back to her bedroom, Tikki was already asleep, despite it not even being time for dinner yet. There was no hope to make up after last night's argument yet. Tikki was only looking out for Marinette, she knew that, but it didn't change the fact that this was a _good_ thing. Tikki just couldn't see it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> And they start planning… and Tikki gets more and more ammunition for that inevitable 'I told you so' although I like to think she'll keep it to herself. (She probably won't). And next time on "A Story of Questionable Decisions" we have their first date, a double helping of oblivious Adrien and a suspicious Alya (And also kind of suspicious Nino)!


	3. Adrien

If he didn't have to talk to anyone till Friday, it would be too soon.

As soon as Adrien entered school, Chloe clung to him, asking if he could attend XY's next concert with her, even though she knew his father would never in a million years let him. She was persistent though, as if she thought that Adrien could change his Dad's mind if she just bugged him enough. Chloe was forever of the opinion that she could nag Adrien into being more combatative and rebellious. Once, she'd tried to convince him to get a belly button piercing after he'd come complaining to her about how his father micro-managed every part of his appearance. Adrien knew that Chloe only wanted him to learn how to take care of himself - even if she was a little misguided about what he needed protecting from, like Marinette, who she refused to accept was just a friend - but her attention made him feel claustrophobic. So it was with great difficulty that he pried himself away from her in an attempt to escape from having to decline the invitation. Chloe did not accept what she considered 'excuses' and that made declining invitations to events such as this quite difficult.

"Why don't you take Sabrina instead, Chlo? You know my father won't let me come."

"Eugh. You're no fun, you know that Adrikins? You are perfectly capable of sneaking out of your bodyguard's watch and coming." complained Chloe, but she detached herself from his arm anyway and went to bother Sabrina instead. Adrien took this as a sign that Chloe trusted him to not get too lonely without plans for Friday night.

Nino beckoned from their desk.

"C'mon dude, get over here. I don't know why you let her drape herself all over you like that."

Adrien inwardly sighed, Chloe and Nino would never get along and it was pointless to try and explain Chloe's better qualities to someone who had never seen any of them displayed.

"Yeah, yeah. Sorry about not being able to make it to the sweetheart ice-cream date," he replied.

"You didn't miss much. Marinette went off like a firecracker at Andre, and he got akumatized, but that's about it."

"Are you being serious Nino? Marinette?"

"I know right, dude! Crazy, much? But Andre kept bothering her about a crush she was insisting she didn't have and she got super embarrassed. Her face was brick red, I'm telling you."

"How did Andre describe her crush?" Adrien inquired, curious. Was this related to Marinette saying her heart had been broken?

"Why are you so interested all of a sudden? Do you wish it was you? Have you finally given up on your obsession over ladybug?" Nino looked up at Adrien with a strange expression.

"Marinette's just a friend," Adrien hissed, mad at Nino, "and I told you about the Ladybug thing in confidence. Say it a little louder, would you?" Adrien had been _extremely_ disgruntled when during a game of truth or dare, Nino had convinced Adrien to tell him about his 'celebrity' crush on Ladybug; Nino had not lost a single chance to bring it up and tease him about it, or judge him about it. Best friends sucked sometimes.

"Right," Nino sighed, "Marinette's just a friend. Can I borrow your textbook? I left mine at home again and I need it much more than you. I suuck at chemistry."

Something felt off. Adrien wasn't sure what he'd done wrong, but Alya hadn't passed a single note to him. Nino, on the other hand, had been having some sort of scribbled argument with her, but Alya hadn't even deigned to pass a single scrap of paper Adrien's way. It was boring, because Nino wasn't talking to him, as he was busy fighting Alya and Plagg had long since curled up in a camembert box to take an afternoon nap. Adrien had covered the work they were doing in class an age ago with his private tutor and so was left to occupy his time by himself.

He thought back on his and Marinette's conversation – her blush as she earnestly told him that her crush was way out of her league and how she messed up all the words she spoke to him. Now, Adrien knew that Marinette had a problem with speaking sometimes, so that wasn't strange. What was strange was who she could possibly be interested in that was out of her league. Adrien had a fair idea of who Marinette was friends with in their class, having been invited to several events with them. So as far as he could see, the contenders were Nino, who already had a girlfriend so it couldn't be him; Kim, who was not out of Marinette's league in any way shape or form, and come to think of it, she never stuttered around him either; Max, which was unlikely because Marinette could chat to him about UMS III for hours on end; Ivan, who again, already had a girlfriend; Marc, who she barely saw; Nathaniel, who, well, she'd said no when he had a crush on her, but then again feelings changed, so maybe?; and then Luka, who… well Luka had joked before about how Marinette had been tripping over her feet and her words when he first met her, so it was probably him, right? It just, Marinette didn't strike him as the sort who would like someone so… so … Adrien didn't know, but his sixth sense told him it was wrong. Besides, what was it about Luka that made him so out of her league? He wasn't special. He didn't even know any interesting puns and his music always fell _flat._ Although Adrien supposed that puns just weren't Luka's _forte_. Or Adrien could stop playing this guessing game and just ask Marinette later. On their fake date. It'd be weirdly appropriate to talk romance on the fake date.

"Dude, are you day-dreaming again? You won't get away with that another time." Nino whispered as he bent over the borrowed textbook. "Mme Mendeliev was mad enough last time she caught you doing that."

"I'm much more likely to get caught by talking to you!" Adrien hissed back.

"It isn't fair that you get to pay zero attention in class and still get top marks. Gimme your secrets dude. Help a brother out." Nino lamented.

"I will give you my secret: Spend all of your time at home going over stuff with a private tutor."

"Ok, I hear your secret and I say nah."

"I thought you would. Hey, who do you think Marinette likes?"

Nino stared at him for a moment in contemplation, "I dunno dude, who do you think Marinette likes? And why do you care?" Nino's face looked weird. "Seeing as how she's just a friend and all."

"Well, she's so great; she deserves to find her dream partner."

Nino looked like he knew something Adrien didn't.

"Okay dude."

**_Line Break_ **

"I'm telling you Alya. He asked," Nino hissed excitedly, "he asked who I though Marinette liked."

"You're kidding."

"Nuh uh. Watch and I bet you will notice him acting strangely."

"This is so _brilliant._ I ship it."

"Do you wanna do the thing?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Adrien's obliviousness. It's just so…all-encompassing. I feel for Nino, having to deal with that emotionally short-sighted, cinnamon roll of a moron friend. This is not my best chapter, so bear with me. I think the next one's better?


	4. Stage 3: The first date

"Tikki, listen, I'm really sorry, I am. But this is a _good_ thing."

"It's ok Marinette," Tikki sighed, "I understand your reasoning and even though I still think it's a bad idea, we can't afford to not be in harmony. I will help you."

"Thank you Tikki."

Tikki floated to the desk to look over Marinette's shoulder. "You should wear that design. And if you don't change, you're going to be late. For your date. Remember?"

Clothes were thrown wildly across the room as Marinette windmilled through her wardrobe in an attempt to get ready at the speed of light.

"Slow down," Tikki giggled, "you've still got half an hour till you need to leave the house."

"Right." Marinette began to pick up all the scattered clothes strewn across her floor. She'd make it on time for once. She would.

She didn't.

"Marinette, sweetie, there's someone at the door for you!" Sabine shouted from the living room.

"Coming Maman."

"What could they possibly want?" Marinette whispered to Tikki, confused as to why someone was visiting her now of all times.

"I don't know, but look at the time, if they stay long you'll be late to your date with Chat Noir."

"Marinette! Could you hurry up please!" floated through the trapdoor.

"Right, I'm here, who is it?" called Marinette as she descended from her room.

"Hi."

Marinette fell down the rest of the steps. If that damn cat kept frightening her like this…. What was he doing in her house anyway? She wasn't that late.

"Are you ok? I didn't mean to startle you." Chat said worriedly.

"Mmmhmm. I do it all the time. Maman despairs of it, don't you maman?" and looking up at her mother's face as she climbed to her feet, Marinette found the answer to the question she wished she hadn't asked. The cat was in her house to meet her parents, because that was one of their rules. Nevermind that he could have warned her first and she had no idea what he'd even said to her parents.

"Yes sweetie. Now go, before you're late. Have a nice time and be back for dinner."

The urge to strangle Chat was barely resistable. By the time they'd got out of the door, Marinette snapped. She whirled around on her feet and struck Chat with an intense glare.

"You could have warned me!" she spat furiously. Glaring at him with intent to kill by looks alone – they'd never be able to trace it back to her.

"You look _purr_ fectly meowtiful." Chat grinned, the smugness he was exuding telling Marinette that he knew exactly how much trouble he was in and didn't care one jot. He did, in fact, seem to want to make it worse.

"Thank you," Marinette hissed through gritted teeth, making sure her eyes said that she would kill him and make it look like an accident.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't resist."

"What did you tell them?" Marinette paused as a horrific thought struck her. "What did _they_ tell _you_?"

"Nothing much, I mentioned I was here to gallantly pick up my fair maiden, they looked a bit suspicious and then proceeded to tell me tales of you as a toddler…Ow!"

"That, was not funny."

"Fine, fine. Nothing much really. You came down before we could really talk much. And I meant it by the way, you do look astonishing."

"Thanks." Marinette said, taken aback by the genuineness in his tone. She twirled and let the sun rays catch the glinting metal eyelets placed along the waist of the dress. It was one of her better sundresses, pale pink with black ribbon threaded through the metal eyelets at her waist, shoulders and hem. The black heart in the middle of the bodice leant it a whimsical effect. It was cute and on the border of casual and fancy, perfect for a coffee date.

As they were strolling down the cobbled streets, she could feel civilians stop and stare. Chat Noir didn't have as large a fan base as Ladybug, but he was just as famous.

"They're staring.." Chat Noir muttered out of the corner of his mouth.

"Don't they always?"

"I'm never this close to civilians unless I'm out with ladybug. This is odd."

"You're just as famous as ladybug. You do just as much to save the city and no don't open your mouth we are not going to get into it here, because there are people watching."

"But.."

"No."

"Hold my arm."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because there are people watching and you're frowning and we need to look like a happy couple." Chat pitched his voice a little louder and bowed from the waist, "Princess, would you do me the honour of letting me escort you to your coffee?"

Marinette giggled despite herself.

"I didn't know you were such a good actor," Chat whispered out of the side of his mouth, and she had to remind herself quickly that none of this was real.

"You looked silly," she smiled.

"I beg your pardon?" he said, mock offended, one step away from feigning a dagger to the heart.

She nudged him with her shoulder. "How long do you reckon before a reporter turns up? My friend Alya runs the ladyblog and I'm certain she'll be here with her boyfriend as soon as she can."

"Well, factoring in the time it takes to hear about it from her sources, the resistance from her parents as she tries to leave the house, I think she'll be here right…about…now."

Chat turned her round, so she could see a panting Alya running down the street with her phone out and the ladybug charm bouncing around as she pumped her arms. Marinette turned back around.

"How accurate you were."

"I can improve on that. Watch this: 5, 4, 3, 2…"

"Chat Noir, can you tell us why you're out and about with a civilian?" Alya panted, thrusting her phone up to his face. He surprised Marinette by responding as if he was used to rabid reporters asking him why he was walking down the street.

"There isn't any danger, I'm simply enjoying Paris as my alter-ego, with my lovely Marinette here and she's taking me to a coffee shop. Right?"

"Mm."

Alya stared incredulously at Marinette. They indulged in a silent conversation which included many death threats (from Alya) and a promise to talk about it later off the record (from Marinette).

"So are you and ladybug.." Alya trailed off as Marinette shook her head violently. "I'll leave you to get to that coffee shop then." Alya turned around and walked off.

"Keep moving," Marinette murmured into Chat's ear, disguising it as a caress. "She'll keep following us to the coffee shop, don't worry. Our 'date' will be public knowledge in roughly three seconds."

"And that's good, right?"

"If this isn't public, how do you expect ladybug to know?"

"Oh. Well, if it isn't _le bec absurde_. My princess, I do believe that we have arrived at our destination."

"Are you looking forward to a cup of coffee?"

"Are you _kitten_ , I have _bean_ waiting for this since school started this morning."

"You go to school?"

"Oh, well, yeah. Oops." He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand and looked at the sign in the window instead of her. "After you, princess."

Once they were settled in their booth, Chat began to yawn.

"You have a lot of sharp teeth." Marinette observed

"I'm too tired. I'm going to murder that coffee. I stayed up till 3am last night working on some physics."

"You're bad at physics too?"

"It was an extra credit project."

"Wow and I only thought you were a nerd because of the puns, now I know why your nerd vibes were _electric_."

"I'm almost too tired for puns, can you imagine the horror? Imagine ridding the world of my _hiss_ terical wit."

"Now that we've stopped walking or doing anything, you look like you're going to keel over from exhaustion. Do you just want to sleep or make the effort to talk?"

"Coffee…give me…Coffee…" Chat groaned.

"Can I take your order?" asked an, in Marinette's opinion, over-eager waitress. A toothy smile took up far too much of her face and her eyes glinted beadily behind a pair of tortoiseshell sunglasses, complimenting the vacuum-fitted skinny jeans and form-fitted t-shirt she was barely wearing. Marinette narrowed her eyes.

"Coffee…Coffee..my long lost love…." Chat groaned theatrically from where he was slumped against the booth. He was hamming it up now, for the audience, Marinette was sure. In a familiar move, she rolled her eyes at him and ordered from the waitress, whose gaze had not strayed from Chat at all. At all. Not even when Marinette was speaking. Not as if that was rude or anything. Yep, much more polite to _ogle_ someone's date than look at them when they were talking to you. Once the waitress was gone, Marinette poked her partner.

"C'mon, up. Smile. Pretend you're a human being, not a cat."

"But cat naps, they sustain me…I take offence at your eye-rolling – that was a valid statement!"

"Is Alya gone yet? I don't want to turn around and look in case she is. You have a better view."

"Yeah, she's still out there, to be fair, I'm surprised she hasn't come in and spied on us from behind a hideous disguise."

Marinette let out a laugh, "Ah yes, the famous disguises, I believe I was coerced into helping make the newspaper with eye holes and the detective hat. You should have seen the disguises she came up with when we were on a mission to confess my feelings to my crush."

"What type of mission could that be?"

Marinette shut up promptly, locked her mouth and threw away the key. No one needed to know about those. Why had she mentioned them? This was just like her, to absolutely humiliate herself for no reason whatsoever. She could already feel the heat of the blush spreading across her cheeks and she had no doubt that she looked like a complete tomato. She shook her head. Chat would pry those stories out of her cold, dead body.

"C'mon. They can't be that bad."

Marinette temporarily lifted the talking ban she'd placed upon herself.

"They are never to be spoken of again, **do you understand?** "

Chat rolled his eyes, clearly unconvinced of the humiliation the tales would bring. But thankfully, so thankfully, honestly, Marinette had the best fairy godmother in the world, he dropped it. Only to pick up with:

"So who is this Prince Charming that's worthy of such interesting missions?"

"He's more like the Prince from Rapunzel, the original tale. He's completely and utterly blind. It's as if he wears blinkers, because I'm not subtle, I think I might be physically incapable of it, and he still hasn't noticed."

"Ahh, so an oblivious child, you have."

"Stop talking about my love life, can we please?"

"Ha ha! A fellow Yoda impressionist, I have finally found!" exclaimed Chat, complete with Yoda voice, because what dork couldn't resist an opportunity to dork? (And dork was totally a verb, if you didn't think so, then you could fight Marinette). (She was prepared to go down with her beliefs on verbing nouns). (Her father had taught her that anything could be a verb if you didn't care enough).

"Ok, but in all seriousness, which series of star wars films is the best?"

Marinette stared at Chat as if he'd grown a third eye.

"The original…duh."

"Oh thank god, I wasn't sure I could like you if you preferred the recent ones."

They gagged in tandem, in sync with the belief that the modern Star Wars films should not be touched with a 10 foot pole.

"I can't even with the recent ones." Marinette finally said.

"Me either. They're so horrible I can't even pun about them."

"Poor you."

"Oh. For that sarcasm. You get the special treatment." Chat's face lit up with unholy gleee, as he leaned forward to whisper completely dead-pan, "Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful _jed_ eyes, Marinette? Because they make you _luke_ good. In fact, _yoda_ the _Obi Wan_ for me."

Marinette hastily interrupted, before Chat could pick up more speed and vent some of the ones that she could see building in his eyes. This was unfair. Why should she have to deal with her kitten's unholy grins and awful puns, even when in civilian form? Was there no escape? How had the pick-up lines known to follow her, to haunt her every footstep?

"Your pick-up lines are not even _pun_ ny," she retorted, indulging her kitten with a pun of her own, to show him how they should be used, of course.

"When do you think the coffee will get here?" Chat replied, and Marinette drew in a deep breath of relief at the lack of puns.

"I really hoped the _Darth-_ catering would be better. I mean, they don't even do food! I want a _sith_ -kebab now!"

"No, just no." Marinette responded, somehow unable to muster up annoyance at the latest stretch of puns.

"But.." he protested.

"They're the worst ones you've used yet!" A useless fact that had not helped Marinette hide her grin; the damned cat must be rubbing off on her.

"That's the point," Chat condescendingly explained, "They're funny coz they're bad."

Marinette was unable to point out just how flawed the logic was behind a sense of humour that was only funny because it wasn't funny, because Alya ran into the store, all sense of subtle stalking gone.

"This is not good. This is very not good. Have you seen Adrien?" she interrupted, leaving a trail of ice shooting down Marinette's spine. Alya never sounded worried. She just rapid-fired questions at you instead. What had happened to Adrien?

"No why? What's happened? Alya! You can't just say that!"

"He was meant to go home after fencing ages ago and he hasn't showed. His dad and Nathalie think he's been kidnapped by an akuma or something, but me and Nino think he might have run away. We need to find him. Have you seen him? He won't answer his phone."

"I'd have texted you, you know I would. Do you need help looking for him?"

"That would be so great Marinette. Look! The search party's here now! Can you join?"

And lo and behold, their whole class was walking through the street, Mylene and Ivan holding hands and Chloe complaining loudly from the back about how they weren't searching hard enough. There had never been any question of joining the search party, in Marinette's opinion. Of course she was going to help Adrien, who did Alya think she was?

"C'mon Chat, lets pay and get going. We'll join you in just a sec," she assured Alya.

"Umm, I don't think I'll be much help?" Chat whimpered, colour rising to his cheeks as he took in the glare Marinette and Alya gave him.

"Don't be silly Chat, you and Ladybug will be able to do long-range reconossaince! We can't see from the rooftops like you." Alya replied.

"Alya, I don't think it's a good idea to bother Ladybug, surely? She can't be called in for every missing persons case. Especially when it hasn't even been 24 hours"," Marinette interjected.

"No, I agree with Alya. Ladybug will be so much more useful than me. I'll call her and just go.."

"No. Kittycat. You are so much more useful than Ladybug and besides, you're already here, aren't you?" Marinette responded, careful to lead her partner away from the idea of calling Ladybug. She couldn't join the search as both Marinette and Ladybug! She'd be missed if she tried to duck out of this as Marinette. She couldn't risk it. Chat's hand was back up to rubbing his neck, and it was with great reluctance that he nodded and waved the waitress over to take the bill. Honestly, Marinette thought, her kitty needed to learn some self-confidence. He was every bit as useful as Ladybug.

Within minutes, they were out on the street, mingling with their fellow hunters. Alix and Kim had rushed ahead to try and scout out the most places first; Max was running probability calculations on where Adrien was most likely to go; Sabrina was attending to Chloe, who was on her phone to the mayor in an attempt to get more people to join the hunt; Mylene and Ivan were scouring the street; Juleka and Rose were trying to talk to civilians; and Nino and Alya were on their phones, Nino to Nathalie, by the sounds of it, and Alya to anyone she thought might be able to help – following leads like any good reporter. Marinette dragged Chat Noir into the middle of the crowd. They had a mission. She checked with everyone in the party – no one had seen Adrien since fencing, and they'd searched the entire school already. Other than that, not much progress seemed to have been made.

Juleka and Rose were struggling the most with their role of talking to people, so Marinette headed for the civilians around them. She'd let go of Chat somewhere along the line and he appeared to have been accosted by Max, who wanted Chat's map of Paris, presumably. Every civilian Marinette turned to promised their help and the search party expanded astronomically, snowballing into a party of fifty, as friends, family and concerned civilians joined their ranks. Nadja Chamack was here with Manon, live-streaming the situation; the Mayor hadn't joined in person, but he was very clearly the voice screaming into the ear pieces of the motley collection of hotel staff that were scouring the streets; Sabrina's dad, Roger, was yelling instructions no one was listening to from the back of the parade – huffing and puffing as he jogged to keep up; and even Mme Bustier was there, comforting all the kids that were clearly worried for Adrien. They'd almost reached Adrien's house when she spotted Chat Noir slink away to the rooftops and out of sight. It was a shame their date had been interrupted and she hadn't gotten to say goodbye. Chat was so easy to talk to when she was Marinette – she'd enjoyed his company. There weren't many people she could geek out about the Star Wars films with (her Papa didn't count, his favourite series was the prequels).

Not long after that, Alix and Kim came zooming back to the search party, accompanied by none other than Adrien Agreste, the man of the hour. The rush of relief Marinette felt upon seeing him was not something she could describe. The icy feeling that had been radiating out from her spine ever since Alya had interrupted her fake-date was no longer constricting her breathing. But that didn't stop the curious, nagging, little voice inside her head that wondered what exactly Adrien had been doing, that he'd gone missing for what was three and a bit hours now, when he'd never (as far as she knew) rebelled against his father like that before. Adrien's bodyguard must have been called though, because he whisked Adrien away and back to the manor before Adrien could answer _anyone's_ questions, or even thank them for trying to find him. By the time the search party had properly disbanded, Marinette was left with only a lingering feeling of regret that she'd never managed to say goodbye to Chat and a vague apprehension of the talk that she was going to have with Alya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:  
> DUN DUN DUN


	5. Stage 4: Spreading the word

A flying, ginger blur attacked Marinette with a hug.

"We are officially starting our sleepover! How much sugar do you have? Ahhh, I'm so excited!" it exclaimed, gently righting Marinette where she was starting to fall backwards.

Alya was buzzing with excitement. Quite literally vibrating, probably because she'd had a coffee on her way over, or she'd already started eating some of the stuff that she'd brought for the midnight feast. Marinette was excited too, but wary, because Alya hadn't gotten a chance to properly ask her about what she was doing on a date with Chat Noir yet, and she was sure to interrogate Marinette today.

"Ok, so, inventory of sugar, we have: pan au chocolates and cinnamon swirls from Maman and Papa; a couple of bags of Haribo; and a bar of chocolate. What did you bring?"

"Not much. My phone, charger, and a bunch of dragibus sweets."

"Are you ready?"

"I'm ready!"

Alya began fiddling with her phone and speakers, repeatedly smacking them when the Bluetooth refused to connect.

"It won't play my Ladynoir playlist!" Alya huffed, pouting pointedly at the speaker.

Marinette resisted the urge to just take over and put on her own music. The Ladynoir playlist was actually fun to dance to, so long as she could forget the reason all of the songs were on the playlist. Ladynoir... was not her favourite thing, for obvious reasons. With a final smack of her phone, Alya managed to get the playlist up and running. The Last of The Real Ones by Fall Out Boy spilled out of the speakers. Alya turned to Marinette expectantly and gestured to the floor, where they sat down together.

"Now. What the hell was that, Mari? Chat Noir? Out for coffee? With you? And you didn't tell me?"

"Umm, well, see."

All the preparation Marinette had done with Tikki and Chat fled her brain in the face of Alya's expectant journalist face.

"It's complicated?"

"Fine. Do you want to play truth or dare?"

Taken aback by the abrupt change in subject, and surprised that Alya had dropped the Chat Noir thing just like that, Marinette hesitated for a second, before readily agreeing. After all, anything that took Alya further away from the Chat subject was a good idea, although Marinette knew better than to suspect that Alya had dropped it completely.

"So Mari, Truth or Dare," Alya asked, eyebrows waggling.

"Uh, Truth?" Marinette had taken dares before and they'd never ended well. Dares such as 'write a luuurve poem for Adrien', or 'ring Adrien and confess your love' didn't end with anything other than stolen phones and extreme awkwardness.

"Why was Chat Noir out if it wasn't an akuma attack?" Ahh. That made sense. Marinette was almost surpised she hadn't seen this coming.

"I – we're – um – so, it's like this. Err, well he came over for coffee?" Marinette replied, well aware that all her stuttering and blushing was intriguing Alya. But that was good. She and Chat wanted everyone to know about this, right?

"Hmmm, okay."

"Truth or dare, Alya?"

"Dare," Alya responded defiantly, "do your worst." Well, if Alya was going to interrogate her through truth or dare, Marinette might as well make it uncomfortable for her.

"Call Adrien, and without context, just sing him a Disney song. Your choice of song, but you can't say anything else. When you're done, hang up."

Alya grinned, it would be embarrassing, but hearing Adrien splutter as she sang Do You Wanna Build a Snowman would be _so_ worth it. She picked up her phone and typed in his contact. He picked up.

She gave him her most heartfelt rendition, complete with different voices for Anna and Elsa. Marinette just smiled. Once she'd hung up, Alya just turned to her friend and smirked.

"Is that the worst you've got?"

"No. I thought you might want an easy dare to start you off."

"Ooooh, you'll pay for that. Truth or dare?"

"Truth…" Marinette sighed.

"Was it a date? The thing with Chat Noir?"

"Yes," Marinette huffed. She kept reminding herself that this was the plan, but…

"Um, hello, what? Didn't you think you should tell me? And last I heard you were still hung up on Adrien. I'm going to need a bit more detail than a simple yes."

"Truth or dare, Alya?"

"So it's like that then? Truth. I don't keep secrets. Unlike _someone_."

"Will you tell anyone what I'm about to tell you? Because if the answer's yes, then I don't want to play." Marinette wanted to tell Alya about it all. She wanted someone to giggle about Chat to and she wanted to tell her best friend everything that was going on with her.

"Oh, honey, no. I won't tell anyone. I swear on our friendship. You know that journalism doesn't apply to you."

"Ok. Then _maybe_ I'll tell you about my date."

"Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"How long have you been dating for?"

"Just a month. In secret, because it was all so new and we knew whatever we did would be public, so…"

"Makes sense."

"Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Why haven't you told your parents that you're dating Nino yet?"

You have met my parents, right? My dad would loose the panthers on him. No way is he ready for the kind of shovel talk Nora would give him, either. Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Do you know Chat Noir's civilian identity?"

"No. Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Doesn't Nino mind that you're keeping him a secret?"

"You know him, he doesn't mind. He's chill. Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"How did you meet Chat Noir?"

"Coffee-shop. God he's a dork. When he realised it was a coffee shop romance, I can't even.." It was close enough to the truth, Marinette felt. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Have you and Nino kissed yet?"

"Mmhmm, he's such a good kisser and he…"

"I didn't want the details, Alyaa."

"So, have you and Chat kissed yet?"

"Erm, no."

"Why'd you like him? How'd it happen? Elaborate Marinette."

"Weren't we meant to be playing truth or dare? This is a bit one-sided."

"Your questions are terrible anyway, Marinette and I want to know. You can't put this off forever. So I repeat the question: Why'd you like him? With detail this time."

"Ok, it's just that he's super sweet and funny and…"

"Can you smell that?" Alya interrupted, making exaggerated sniffing noises, "because this smells strangely of absolute crap." Alya was serious now. Lying in truth or dare was a punishable offence by the Friendship Law #32. Marinette didn't always have much of a choice, because of the ladybug thing, but she avoided doing it when she could.

"Alya…look…that's a serious accusation…" Marinette tried.

She was simply met with an unimpressed stare.

"I…ok…maybe I don't want to talk about it? Can you blame me? He's a superhero, Alya, and you've dedicated half your life to unmasking him and tracking every single move he and ladybug make."

"What did I tell you? Journalism doesn't apply. You're my friend Marinette. I thought you knew this already. It feels like that isn't the only thing."

"You're accusing me of lying."

"We've already established that you lied once. Is it a stretch to assume you're still lying?"

Marinette wanted to tell Alya everything. She didn't _want_ to lie to Alya, and she'd be such a useful ally in the fake-dating ruse, and she could be trusted, right? But, on the other hand, Alya was a journalist and she and Chat had agreed not to tell anyone. Oh, it was all so difficult.

"I'm waiting, Marinette." Alya had her arms crossed and was glaring now. How had their sleepover come to this? Scrap that, Marinette knew how it had come to this – she'd lied. She hated lying. When had she become such a hypocrite?

Oh well. It was going to happen eventually.

And Marinette broke.

"Look, ok. You can't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you. Not Nino, not anyone, you understand?"

"Yes."

"So, maybe Chat Noir and I aren't actually dating."

"What?" Alya shrieked, at a decibel loud enough to tear eardrums apart.

"Umm, so it's like this…"

"I'm waiting."

"So he drops by my balcony one night and he's lonely and I'm lonely and he's just been stood up by ladybug and I guess I felt sorry for him. We were talking about the failures that are our love lives and I remembered your advice. Long story short, he agreed with you. Loved your advice in fact. He thought that making Ladybug and my oblivious child jealous by fake-dating was the perfect way to solve all our problems."

"You sound bitter."

"Well, it isn't really going to solve anything is it?"

"Then why'd you do it?"

"He looked so lonely, and I thought it was worth a try, you know?"

"You fell for the kitten eyes, didn't you Mari." Alya said, her expression softer now.

"Yes, I fell for the kitten eyes."

"So do you still like Adrien then?"

"Yes, of course!"

"Then how come you fell for the kitten eyes?"

"Alyaaa! It's not like that!" Marinette protested. If anything, she'd agreed to fake date Chat so she could stop his advances, not encourage them.

"So what is it like then?"

"This feels like an interrogation."

"As an interrogator, I can tell when someone's avoiding the question. Someone like you."

"We're friends, that's all."

"Oh. Is Chat just a good friend?" Alya asked, smug as a cat with the cream.

"Don't you dare turn that back on me. It isn't like that!" Marinette half-yelled, poking her finger into Alya's chest.

"I wonder who you sound like? I mean, this sounds so familiar…"

Marinette pouted. This was betrayal in its purest form.

"So do you like him?"

"As a friend, yeah. Don't make it something it's not, Alya. Please. You know that makes me awkward."

"Fine. Fine."

…

"I can't belive you're fake-dating Chat Noir!" Alya giggled.

"Me neither!" Marinette giggled back, "He was so clueless as well, he hasn't even watched a fake-dating rom-com."

"No way. You're kidding."

"Nope." Marinette smiled. It was nice to be sarcastic with her best friend. Maybe judging people wasn't the best activity to enjoy in your free time, but no one's perfect. Marinette knew that.

"Ok. Rom-com now. Sugar and more gossip later. Are we ready for the most awesome feast of all time?"

"Hell yeah!"

**Line Break**

"Do you think it's actually possible to bounce off the walls?" mused Marinette.

"No, but we should totally try."

"Eh. I bet I'd be better at parkour than you."

"No way."

"Dare you to do a flip using the railing of my bunk bed."

"You're on."

Alya's flip went perfectly, much to Marinette's disappointment. She scowled, then giggled. She maybe shouldn't have had half a bag of dragibus. And some pastries. And stayed up till midnight.

"You know what," whispered Alya conspiratorially, "we should play truth or dare with the boys."

"ooOOooh. Yeah, that sounds awesome." Marinette felt it was important to note that her inhibitions were always lowered during a sugar rush.

"Beep, beep. Calling that oblivious child and heart heart bae. Heart heart bae has picked up."

"Wassup my dudes?" Nino whispered over the phone.

Marinette just cackled in anticipation in the background while Alya brought Nino up to speed. She wasn't surprised that Nino had picked up – while Alya got a full nine hours sleep every night – and when, she could, so did Marinette – Nino and Adrien often stayed up till 4 am playing video games, or just being insomniacs, depending on the day.

"That oblivious child has answered the phone."

"Hello! What are we doing? How are you two up? I thought you slept at night?" inquired Adrien.

"We," Alya gestured wildly, despite the fact that no one but Marinette could see her, "are playing truth or dare."

"Oh that sounds great! I've never played before." Adrien said, unaware of what a sad, sad existence he led.

"Who's going first?" asked Nino, who did not lead a sad existence, and was thus acquainted with how to play truth or dare.

"You are!" cackled Marinette from beside Alya.

"Yeah! Truth or dare, Nino?" Alya questioned.

"I'm not a scaredy-cat. I pick dare."

"I take offence at the suggestions that cats are cowards!" Adrien challenged.

"Nah man, it's just a saying."

Meanwhile, Marinette and Alya had put their microphone on mute and were deciding on a suitable dare for Nino.

"We have decided on your dare, Nino."

"You will be stuffing your face with marshmallows and singing the alphabet."

"No, the Michael Jackson song ABC," added Adrien.

"I like how you think, sunshine child," Alya crowed approvingly.

"You get a kick out of my embarrassment, do you? Dude, I thought you were better than this," Nino complained. After a minute of rustling round he began to speak again, "Ok, so I got the marshmallows and now I just have to pop one in and sing ABC. Simple."

It was not simple. Chubby bunny was difficult enough without having to sing. Although, it wasn't like Nino was singing well…

Once he had completed the song, to a standing ovation, he spat the marshmallow out with disgust.

"I'll never be able to eat a marshmallow again. That was disgusting. Truth or dare, Adrien?" he announced, eager to have his revenge.

"Truth."

"Ooooh, is sunshine child too scared to pick dare?"

"Alyaaa," Adrien whined, unable to resist the challenge, but knowing that if he was caught doing something stupid or disruptive, his father would not be happy. "Fine, dare it is."

"You have to prank call the person in your phone most likely to fall for it hook, line, and sinker. And if you get caught – well you have to try again."

"Right."

"Calling Chlo-bee" announced Adrien's tablet.

"Make sure to turn off caller-ID," reminded Alya.

"Chlo-bee has picked up"

Adrien adopted an atrocious British accent, despite having a flawless one from his private English lessons, and began rambling.

"Mme. Bourgeois, we would like to question you on events concerning the treasonous crimes we believe one of your classmates to have committed. Do you know anything about Rose Lavillant's dress choices? As the fashion police, we are investigating her on suspicion of a very serious crime."

"Well of course, Monsieur Policeman. I would be happy to help," Chloe said triumphantly. "I've been waiting for this moment to come. Rose wears several shades of pink at once and it's scarring. There are other colours, you know. I would also like to point out that none of my classmates except Adrikins and Sabrina ever wear anything yellow. How awful is that?"

"Yes, indeed, we shall have to investigate further Mme. Bourgeois. Thank you very much for your very helpful insight. We will get back to you shortly." Adrien hung up.

"Just you wait, I bet she mentions it in class on Monday," giggled Marinette.

"You don't think she'll mention it to Rose, do you?"

"The fashion police don't exist – the internet can prove that. No one will believe her if she does. Don't worry Adrien. As it is, I can't believe _she_ believed it, and when you had such a terrible accent!" added Alya.

"Duude, your accent, no. It gave me shivers down my spine."

"You don't even know what a proper British accent sounds like, Nino. You can't talk," said Marinette.

"And you do?" asked Adrien.

"Well…"

"Truth or dare, Marinette?"

"Adrieeeen."

"Truth or dare?"

"Noooo."

"I'm waiting."

"Dare," groaned Marinette, not willing to risk having to answer a question from Adrien truthfully.

"I would like to see your best rendition of a British accent please, Mari," teased Adrien.

"It's gonna be better than yours, Monsieur Fashion-Police," Marinette shot back. Then she switched accent – "For I was raised properly and am thus unable to speak as atrociously as you. In fact, I believe your accent to be the worst I've ever heard."

Adrien was actually vaguely impressed. While it wasn't exactly accurate, it was definitely much more British than how Marinette normally sounded. It was surprising though, because she'd responded to his dare, well, unusually. There wasn't any stuttering or nonsensical sentences, but instead a challenge and a laugh that made him wonder. He was seeing a different side of Marinette tonight, from the cackling to the competitive streak he'd never quite noticed before. It reminded him of how she'd acted with Chat, at ease with the banter flowing through the air. What was it that made her so different normally?

Nino wolf-whistled.

"Niice Marinette. Your turn to pick someone."

"Adrien…"

"Wait, that's not fair!" Adrien protested, "Alya hasn't gone yet!"

"Oh well. I get to pick who I want to pick and I choose you."

"I still think that this isn't fair…"

No one listened to Adrien and their game continued well into the early hours of the morning, when Alya eventually fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> I have a headcannon that Marinette literally cannot control herself when she has had too much sugar, which is why she may have acted a little bit out of character this chapter.


	6. Stage 5: The Second Date

"Chaaaaat," protested Marinette, "stop playing with my hair."

"But it's so soft," he said, batting it gently.

"Is this a cat thing?"

"I beg your _paw_ don?"

"Is this one of those effects of your miraculous, or are you like this in real life?"

Marinette still counted herself lucky that the only effect her miraculous had on her was a hatred of cold – imagine craving catnaps _and_ battling akumas late into the night – you'd be dead on your feet 24/7.

"Mmm, something like that, Princess."

The park was a beautiful place in summer. Clouds floated through a clear blue sky. Birds chirped in the trees. Children laughed and played in the fountain. Altogether, it wasn't a bad place for a date. Not that Marinette and Chat were actually on a date.

"Remind me to say thank you to your _paw_ rents for the food later. This is the best picnic I've ever had."

"Kitty, do you have to come and talk to my parents? They've already met you."

"But do they know we're dating?"

"They've probably realised by this point _chaton_ ; we haven't exactly been subtle. You've practically spent every night on my balcony, between apologizing for leaving halfway through our first date, and then our planning for this one…"

"That's not a yes. Besides, I like your parents. Is it a crime to want to spend more time with them?"

"It is when they'll only embarrass me further," Marinette muttered under her breath.

"I think you mean _fur_ ther," Chat crowed.

"Fine. You can come in and properly chat to my parents tonight. How does that sound?"

Chat smirked.

" _Purr_ fect."

Marinette rolled her eyes and poked him in the side. Her kitty was incorrigible.

Chat retaliated with a vengeance, poking Marinette's sides. From there, it descended into a tickling match, which, to Marinette's extreme disappointment, Chat won.

Still breathless, and slightly embarrassed from the stares they were getting from some of the other people in the park, Marinette turned to face Chat.

"What could your parents possibly say that'll be that bad, anyway?"

"You think I'd tell you that?"

"Is it all the sordid details of your crush?"

"Ugh, no. There are no sordid details."

"What's his name?" Chat asked, suddenly curious.

"Watch out there kitty. You know what they say, curiosity killed the cat."

"And satisfaction brought it back," Chat countered, clearly not to be deterred so easily.

"Do we have to talk about him? I'd really rather not think about my pathetic lack of a love life right now. I totally embarrassed myself in front of him the other day and it was actually the only time I've ever held a proper conversation with him. My sugar rushes are not to be trifled with," she sighed.

"But, sugar, that sounds fun!" Chat smirked.

"No."

"Sweetiepie?"

"No."

"Sweetcheeks?"

"One more…" Marinette threatened.

Chat gasped. Marinette turned round to see what he was staring at and watched as a figure emerged from the smoke clouding at the bottom of a nearby building.

"He jumped, Mari. That's an akuma." Chat hissed, ears flat against his head as he watched the akuma emerge into the street, shield slung over their (in true akuma style) garish jumpsuit. Grey with brightly coloured shapes on, the jumpsuit reminded Marinette of an école maternelle (pre-school) carpet.

Before she could realise what was going on, Chat had picked Marinette up and was extending his baton so that he could reach the roof of the nearest building. Marinette glared at his back, from where she was slung over his shoulder in a fireman's hold.

"What are you doing?" she gritted out.

"Enjoying the view, Princess?" Chat replied, blasé as ever.

Marinette was not going to blush, she was not going to blush, she was a mature young lady and she was mad at Chat.

She blushed.

"Why are you treating me like a ragdoll?" she hissed, once she trusted her voice not to squeak or stutter.

"Princess, you need to be somewhere safe, out of harms way, in case Hawk Moth decides to target you for being seen with me," Chat warned.

Marinette had to agree with his logic, but she was Ladybug! She needed to be on the scene, not being carried away and placed on a rooftop! Now neither of the heroes could go to Paris' aid quickly.

"Here's fine. Otherwise I won't be able to get home easily.," Marinette tried.

"Don't worry, your knight in shining armour will rescue you from your turret when the battle is over, princess. Here. Now stay here, do you hear me?"

Chat gently placed her down on someone's rooftop garden. She just shooed him away, impatient to transform and go help. He was soon out of sight along Paris' skyline and Marinette opened her purse, only for Tikki to fly out impatiently.

"What took you so long Marinette?" Tikki asked.

"Just that damn cat, Tikki. Transform me!"

Marinette's transition to ladybug was fluid and elegant. Her entrance to the fight was less so.

"M'Lady?" Chat asked, as Marinette staggered, tripped over her own feet and squawked as she fell into a wall. And she'd made it so long as Ladybug without her clumsiness utterly humiliating her!

"I'm fine, Chat," she bit out, still embarrassed by her display of clumsiness.

"If you say so, Bug. How come you were so late?" he inquired as he dodged a brick thrown at him by the akuma.

"That's not important Chat," Marinette reprimanded, breathing heavily from her own series of ducks to avoid flying debris. "What have you learned about him so far?"

"I am Achilles!" the akuma proclaimed, helpfully."I am invincible and I will never be hurt again!"

As helpful as 'Achilles' statement was, Marinette looked to Chat for clarification.

"He has super-strength and agility, like all akumas, and he keeps going on about his invulnerability. That's it. No other superpowers. Should be a walk in the park m'lady."

"Don't jinx it," Marinette warned. She knew what happened when you claimed something would be easy. Although, if invincibility was this akuma's only power, then the battle should be over quickly – it wasn't like she and chat ever really attacked their opponents anyway.

They began their usual battle plan. The shield was quite obviously the akumatised item – it was the only thing apart from the jumpsuit that the Achilles had on him. Chat bounded up to the nearest lamp post and swung upside down from his tail.

"Can't catch me, slow-poke," he taunted, flipping himself up to slouch seductively on the lamppost while he twirled his tail.

"Aghhhhh," the akuma screamed in anger and honestly, Marinette could sympathise with him. Was it necessary that Chat lounge about seductively? Really?

"You seem a little bit angry, I _apollo_ gize. It must be hard to _hades_ puns so much."

Achilles jumped onto the lamppost and Chat snagged his shield as he jumped away.

"Cataclysm!" he yelled and slammed his hand into the shield. It rusted. Nothing happened. It didn't break, no akuma flew out of it. It just sat in Chat's arms, reflecting sunbeams innocently.

They were so screwed. Cataclysm was meant to be able to destroy anything. What made this shield special?

"I think we have a problem, Bug," Chat called from where he was now in an intense hand to hand fight with Achilles. Achilles lunged forward and grabbed his shield back.

"I will take your miraculouses!" he cried.

"Retreat, Chat, retreat," Marinette ordered.

Once they were secured behind a rooftop, Marinette looked expectantly at Chat.

"Maybe this was all a _myth_ -understanding?" he offered, looking as confused as her.

"Isn't your cataclysm able to destroy anything?"

"He did go on about being invincible."

Crashes sounded from the street below.

Panicking now, Marinette whisper-yelled, "But he's Achilles, right? He has to have some sort of weakness…"

"I'm afraid my lack of knowledge about Greek Mythology has always been my Achilles elbow."

"You just couldn't resist," Marinette muttered, head in her hands.

"Just like you, puns are irresistible, M'lady."

Marinette jerked upright. Was that a pick-up line? They were forbidden under the fake-dating contract. Her kitty just couldn't resist, could he. It was hopeless. Nevertheless, they would be having _words_ when he came to collect her after the battle.

"There has to be something, Chat."

"Well, why don't you try your lucky charm? It's never failed us before."

Marinette refrained from mentioning that the lucky charm was only as good as her plans to use it. Right now, she was clueless. It was worth a try though, surely?

"Ladybug, if you don't get a move on I'll run out of time," he hissed, as his ring beeped.

"Lucky charm!" she cried in response.

Heart-shaped confetti exploded from over-head and began to fall softly towards the floor.

"What the hell am I supposed to do with confetti?" Marinette remarked, imploring the Gods that picked her charm to just give her something straightforward for once.

Scanning her surroundings, all Marinette could see was, well, nothing.

"Come and fight me, Heroes! Or I will visit my wrath upon those who have hurt me!" shouted the akuma, returning to the street below.

"Nooo, no, please don't… Marcus!...This isn't you! Fight it! I wasn't trying to hurt you!"

Marinette's eyes widened. Her expression of horror was mirrored in Chat's face. They had no time to waste flailing around trying and failing to form a plan. Civilians were in danger. Grabbing a few of the heart pieces of confetti, just in case, Marinette leapt down onto the street below.

"Don't worry…" Marinette trailed off, unsure.

"Kara, my name is Kara," the girl Achilles was holding hostage said bravely.

"It's alright, we'll get you out of there, Kara," Marinette said.

"I need you to know, Marcus…"

"My name is not Marcus anymore!" the akuma yelled, squeezing Kara tight. "You can't hurt me anymore, Kara!"

"I broke his heart, Ladybug," Kara wheezed, her lungs clearly not able to get the air she needed to breathe.

"Chat! With me!" Marinette yelled.

She charged up to the akuma, yoyo whirling around her as the full force of her fury descended upon the akuma. Kara would be saved, if it was the last thing Marinette did. Chat came from the side while Marinette lashed her yoyo towards Kara, hoping to yank her out of the akuma's grip. Except her yoyo wrapped around both Achilles and Kara, not making it any easier for the poor girl to breathe. Marinette recalled her yoyo, spinning the akuma round to make him dizzy.

Chat attacked next, prying the akuma's fingers open and retrieving Kara. But that small victory did not stop it becoming obvious that Marinette and Chat were fighting a losing battle. With no way to get rid of the akuma, and only minutes before Chat de-transformed, they were running out of options.

What was it that Kara had said? She'd broken his heart. That was the shape of the confetti! Everything was leading back to hearts. What if it wasn't an Achilles heel, but an Achilles heart?

"Check his jumpsuit for a heart." Marinette called to Chat, who was leading the akuma on a chase through the street.

She squinted. There! On the back of his heel, there was a heart, flashing black and red. She lunged forward and grabbed for it, intending to rip away the piece of cloth that the shape was printed on. However, as soon as she touched it, an akuma flew out of the ankle. She caught it and released it.

"Miraculous Ladybug," she cried and as her magic rushed through the streets, the jumpsuit bubbled away to reveal a lanky teenager with short, dark hair and a heart-shaped birthmark on his ankle.

Kara rushed over.

"What were you thinking, you brat," she yelled, and proceeded to hit him over the head with her handbag. "Honestly, Marcus, just because I said I didn't want to date you didn't mean you had to get akumatised. We are friends. You know this. You only just broke up with Ami. You were just looking for a rebound." Each sentence was punctuated by a thwack of her handbag.

"What happened?" Marcus asked and looked up at Marinette with no small amount of confusion in his eyes. Marinette struggled not to laugh.

"I'll tell you what happened, dollop-head! You thought that it was alright to get akumatised just because I'd had the good sense to turn down your offer of a date," Kara answered instead.

"I thought…I thought you wouldn't want to be friends anymore. I thought I'd ruined it," Marcus responded rather plaintively.

"Now I understand," Kara replied, more softly, "After all, losing my friendship would be a _cat_ astrophe," she continued, cracking a smile and hugging the boy to her chest.

"I really have to go, Bugaboo." Chat whispered into her ear.

"Alright kitt…I mean chat."

That was her cue. If Chat got back to the rooftop and Marinette wasn't there…she shuddered to think. Thankfully, he'd probably have to stop, de-transform, and re-transform first. She rushed anyway.

By the time Chat returned to collect her, Marinette had spent five minutes being bored out of her mind. And Chat had expected her to last like this for the entire duration of an akuma fight? It wasn't like she was the most patient person in the world.

"Princess?"

"You," she stabbed her finger into his chest, "are late."

"The battle was…complicated?" he offered, in an attempt to appease her.

Marinette simply sighed. It was too late now to continue with their rudely interrupted not-a-date. Instead, they'd be going straight to see her parents. What fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> So, there was quite a big time gap between this chapter and last chapter, if you were confused. Chat and Marinette have now been 'dating' for give or take a week, but this is only their second official date. I am also well aware that my Greek mythology puns were terrible, but… ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	7. Stage 6: Meet the Parents

"I still can't believe you talked me into this."

"But, _purr_ incess, this was one of our rules."

Marinette was still kicking herself. Since when had she thought it'd be a good idea to let Chat meet her parents? When? She needed Alya. Alya needed to be here now. Alya was good with a CRISIS. Her parents were definitely going to bring something up. She wasn't sure what yet. But it was going to be embarrassing. Could she please sink through the floor already? If only that was one of her Ladybug powers. This was going to be a disaster. What if her parents embarassed her and then Chat got creeped out, because he realised that she was actually really weird. And then Chat would – he would leave! And go back to being a flirt during akuma fights. And maybe she'd miss his friendship quite a bit as well, but THAT WASN'T WHAT WAS IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW. Focus Marinette, focus.

"Just because it was one of our rules, doesn't mean you didn't talk me into it."  
There. She'd regained some control over her mental faculties. Logic was good. A reasonably calm face was good, although Marinette had no idea how she'd managed it, considering she was the WORST ACTOR IN THE UNIVERSE. Ok. This was good. This was easy. She could do this. No need to panic that much, right? All she had to do was chill. Her parents couldn't be that bad anyway. A little voice in her subconscious piped up that, yes, they really could, but Marinette smothered that thought with extreme prejudice. What was she even afraid of? Chat being shown some baby pictures of her? Oh god yes that was what she was dreading. Baby Marinette spent far too much time with her face painted as a cat.

"Ahhh, your infallible logic defeats me," Chat retorted.

"I'm warning you now, Chat, that if you embarrass me, you will regret it."  
Marinette stared him down stonily. She was not risking embarassment

"Okay, yep, sure," Chat gulped, rubbing his hand against the back of his neck. Marinette watched him chew his lip nervously.

"We're here," he said, in a desperate attempt to get out from beneath her gaze.

Marinette went to knock on the door, but her hand collided with Chat's as she did so and boy if that wasn't just a little bit awkward. Particularly as her parents, who had even worse timing than Hawk Moth, might she add, opened the door at the same time.

"Marinette! We heard about the akuma attack are you ok, sweetie?" Sabine asked.

"And who's this handsome boy right beside you?" her father added, winking non-too-subtly as he did so.

"Ma, Pa, this is Chat. He wanted to drop me off after the akuma attack."

Chat elbowed her slightly in the ribs.

"Aaand he and I are dating now," Marinette smiled forcedly, panic shining through her eyes. Maybe her parents would see the panic and come up with an excuse for why Chat couldn't stay for dinner.

Instead, their matching smirks just widened a bit (Marinette knew that they already knew about her and Chat, but they could have had the decency to act at least a little bit surprised).

"Do you want to stay for dinner, dear? Tom and I made more beef bourguignon than we could possibly eat and it would be so nice to get to know the young man our daughter's dating."

"That sounds marvellous, Mme. Dupain-Cheng. It would be my pleasure," the dastardly moggy in question replied.

"Do come on in. Make sure to wipe your shoes on the mat."

Once they'd all settled down to dinner, the torture started.

"Wow, Mme. Dupain-Cheng, this beef bourguignon is _purr_ fect. You must tell me the recipe."

"Was that a _corny_ pun?" Marinette's Pa chimed in excitedly.

"All I was saying was that the meal is a _maize_ ing," Chat returned, the corners of his mouth twitching upwards.

"I _donut_ believe you."

"I cannot believe _you_ ," Marinette cut in, "puns, Papa? Really?"

"He started it…," Tom replied, "I just _rose_ to the occasion."

"He knew the puns were _kneaded_ Marinette!" Chat laughed. Traitor.

"But they're not even good! They're half-baked-" Marinette gasped and covered her mouth. "Now you've got me doing it too!" she complained. All of them were laughing at her now and she just sighed and gave up. She wouldn't be able to stem the tide. The puns were unstoppable. This war could never be won.

"I blame you for this," she mock-hissed at Chat, "it's all your fault."

"But darling, it's not his fault that Tom has been _baking_ sure you were ready for this since you were born," chimed in Sabine.

"Mamaaan, that's not fair. I'm outnumbered now."

"It's ok _purr_ incess, I'll rescue you from the terrible, awful, _stale_ jokes."

"Whose jokes are you calling stale, young man?"

"I need a _bake_ ," Marinette whined.

And it all descended into chaos from there, as Marinette's family dinners often did.

By the time everyone was finished and the pun war was over, Marinette was sorry to see Chat leave. She'd known he wouldn't be able to stay long of course - earlier, she'd been over the moon about it – but she'd enjoyed his company and the laughter and smiles it brought with it. If she wasn't mistaken, Chat didn't want to leave either, but he'd said that he had to. Otherwise he would be missed.

It wasn't long before Chat had disappeared from their doorstep, loaded with desserts that her parents had insisted he try. Personally, Marinette felt that three different types of croissants, a cinnamon roll, a cherry tart and a box of macarons was a bit much, but her parents had said that it'd be nice for Chat's parents or siblings to try some as well. Marinette didn't even know whether Chat had siblings or not. For someone she spent so much time with, she knew very little about him.

"So Marinette. How long have you been dating Chat Noir?" her parents asked in tandem, and if that wasn't creepy, Marinette didn't know what was.

"Not long. Just a month or so."

"Surely that can't be right. You look as if you'd been dating for much longer than that."

"No, Maman, really – our first official date was when he came to pick me up for coffee a few weeks ago."

"Maybe they're just meant to be, Sabine. You and I were besotted like that within our first week."

"I just want to make sure that your trust isn't misplaced, Marinette. You seemed very comfortable with him and it hasn't been long since your crush on Adrien, so we're just wondering if you're moving on a bit fast."

"Although this boy is obviously much better for you. You looked so sweet together. As a father, I'm very proud of my little girl. I can't take a shotgun to any boy who looks at you for longer than a second anymore, can I?" Tom sighed.

"And being able to talk and communicate is good in a relationship. You have that with him, where you never had it with Adrien."

Marinette felt her face burning. Of course they'd bring that up. And they thought she was besotted with Chat? That she looked 'very comfortable' with him? They looked 'sweet together'? They hadn't even been friends (as Chat and Marinette) for that long! And the conversation just kept on getting worse.

"Someone like him could be The One someday, Marinette."

"Your father's right sweetie. He fit right in with our family didn't he?" mentioned her mother and if Marinette had been thinking something similar then no one needed to know. She wanted to sink through the floor.

"Make sure that you still get all your homework done, though Marinette. You're behind enough as it is at that moment. You can't let a new relationship get in the way of that," Sabine was saying. It was sound advice, but Marinette was still processing the 'someone like him could be The One someday' comment. It had taken a while to sink in, but now it was all she could hear, resounding in her head. She needed a break. She loved her parents, but they were very clearly wrong about this. She wanted Adrien, not some smug, leather-wearing vigilante (and no it did not matter that she was a spandex-wearing vigilante).

"You're right Maman, Papa. It's been a long day – with the akuma and everything. Could I go to bed now lease? Maybe I won't be late tomorrow if I get enough sleep tonight," Marinette tried.

"And that's another thing, Marinette. Make sure you don't get caught up in all his superhero nonsense. Stay safe."

Marinette almost burst out laughing hysterically at the irony. It was a bit late for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> Tom and Chat getting along like a house on fire while Marinette half-heartedly tries to protest that she hates them both is my aesthetic.


	8. Stage 7: People Find Out (unfortunately)

"You have got to see this."

Marinette blinked blearily. What was that annoying noise doing in her head? Why did it sound like her brain was thudding against the inside of her head? She opened her eyes. Nope. She closed them again. The light was too bright, the urge to sleep too strong. The thudding resumed.

"Marinette! I know you're in there!"

Marinette was almost awake now, very much against her will.

"You are in there, aren't you?"

Marinette finally recognised the voice that was not, in fact, coming from inside her head. That! That pesky alley-cat! He was disturbing her well-earned rest! He was thudding on her roof! She refused to open her eyes and instead just fumbled above herself.

She opened her trapdoor, pulled herself half out of bed and regretted her lack of covers instantly.

"Go away and shut the hell up. Goodbye."

And promptly pulled the covers over her head and went back to sleep.

By the time Marinette woke up again, it was near midday, and she had full control of her mental faculties. Enough to realise that she, in all her not woken-up-yet glory, had yelled at Chat Noir – the humiliation came complete with the realisation that it had been 12 o'clock in the afternoon, she had had complete and utter bed hair, and she'd been in her pyjamas. Brilliant. As if her day couldn't get any worse, some time later, Chat came back.

"Um hi, princess."

"I'm so so sorry, chat," Marinette apologised hurriedly, "I hadn't woken up yet and I was just a little out of it."

"I couldn't tell," he smirked, and Marinette re-evaluated her apology. The cat had woken her up with his insistent thudding and was now making fun of her. Maybe he deserved the abrupt dismissal she'd given him earlier.

"Well maybe if _someone_ had given me prior warning before thumping around on my roof _on a Saturday morning_ , I would have had time to be a little bit more put-together," she hissed. It felt like maybe she hadn't had such a good night's sleep last night – and she knew who to blame _that_ on.

"Sorry, sorry," Chat cried in surrender, quailing under her glare.

"It's alright, I just didn't sleep very well last night. I was up late."

Patrol had been brutal last night, particularly because she'd been doing it solo.

"That explains the _paw_ ful reception I got earlier."

"So what were you so excited about that you had to interrupt my Saturday morning lie-in?"

"So," Chat started, and Marinette could practically see him bouncing up and down in excitement, "watch this."

Then, Chat had the cheek to go over to her computer and load up the ladyblog. No-one touched her computer except her! What if she'd still had her picture of Adrien set as her home screen? (She didn't, she'd replaced it with a picture of her and Alya having an ice-cream war in the park). But still!

"Oh my god."

Marinette knew what had excited her kitty so much now. In her defence, it had been late, she'd been tired, and she'd just taken out five muggers simultaneously.

"Oooh, y-yeah, I hadn't heard about Chat Noir's girlfriend. Wow," Ladybug stuttered onscreen.

"Are you jealous?" the interviewer asked eagerly, zooming in on Ladybug's face and thrusting the microphone further forward.

"Oh, no. I've no reason to be jealous, wait… I mean… what Chat does in his free time is no concern of mine," she squeaked.

"Did you not discuss sharing his identity with his girlfriend together? Did he ask?"

"I really don't think these are appropriate questions for you to be asking. Quite frankly, it's none of your business," she snapped.

The clip ended.

"See, she's jealous already and she's only just heard about it!"

Marinette had to physically bite down on her tongue to restrain herself from responding. If she told Chat that the real reason she'd come across as guilty and had been so sharp with the reporter was because she'd nearly let it out that she was the one he was dating – well, that would be one ~easy~ horrific way to do an identity reveal.

"Wow, yeah, the plan is working perfectly," she said blandly, but Chat didn't seem to notice, too caught up in his own excitement.

"We need to celebrate. Date no. 3?"

"Why not?"

**One day earlier, at school**

"Marinette, Marinette."  
"Marinette, over here."  
"What happened?"  
"Dudette, answer me."  
"Oh my god, you're all pathetic."

Adrien entered the classroom and was hit with utter chaos. All his classmates had crowded into a tight bunch in the centre and were yelling in an effort to each be heard above the din. Nino poked his head up and noticed Adrien. He beckoned him over. Adrien just stared at the chaos then looked back at Nino and raised an eyebrow queryingly. Nino shrugged and pushed his way out of the huddle to join Adrien.

"Didn't you hear dude? Marinette is dating Chat Noir!"

"Why the huddle though? …I mean, wow! What? She's dating Chat Noir?"

"Heheh, you can go straight for ladybug now, your main competition seems to have lost interest."

Adrien was confused and the chaos wasn't making it any easier to think.

"But why is there so much…?" He gestured expansively at the bundle of noise in the centre of the classroom.

"Marinette. Is. Dating. Chat. Noir," Nino replied slowly.

"And?"

"A) it's a massive surprise. Everyone thought she had a crush on … anyway that doesn't matter anymore," Nino cut himself off quickly," B) Chat Noir is even more of a celebrity than you _and_ he's a _superhero._ It doesn't get much more gossip worthy than that."

"So Marinette's in the middle of that?"

"Yup."

Adrien felt sorry for her. He knew how it felt to be the centre of unwanted attention.

"THIS IS RIDICULOUS. UTTERLY RIDICULOUS." Chloe's voice rose out of the clamor.

"Everybody move." Her natural authoritative tone meant that people shuffled to the sides despite themselves.

"So. Marinette. What do you have to say for yourself, huh? What happened to your so called crush?" she spat venomously.

Marinette was still standing there like a deer in headlights. Alya piped up in her defence.

"It's none of your business Chloe. Marinette can date whoever she wants to."

"I just think she's moving on a little fast is all. Makes you wonder how real her other crush was in the first case. Or maybe it was just blind worship all along."

"How dare you!"  
"Shut your mouth, Chloe!"  
"Worthless piece of…"  
"Who asked for your…"  
"No-one cares, Chloe. Don't be such a …"  
"It was true love!"

The chaos and hubbub started again, in defence of Marinette this time. Adrien was rather surprised that all of his classmates felt so strongly about Marinette's crush. It was up to him to be the voice of reason, he decided.

"Chloe," he called out.

Her head, and everyone else's, swivelled round to look at him. A new bunch of whispers broke out, which he could hardly hear, and didn't understand.

"I thought he was.."  
"Shhh."  
"He was here?"  
"…talking about this."  
"Welp."

"Chloe, I think you're being a little bit unfair here. Why attack Marinette for who she dates? And the things you're saying are wrong! Marinette would never celebrity worship anybody, right guys?" Adrien looked at the rest of the class. Nino gave him a thumbs up.

"I can assure you Adrien, that celebrity worship is not out of character for Marinette," she hissed somewhat spitefully.

Adrien hoped this wasn't still to do with the fact that Chloe thought he needed protecting from Marinette. She didn't celebrity worship him, she barely even talked to him.

Chloe huffed, turned on her heel and sat at her desk.

"C'mon, Sabrina, it's not worth talking to Mari-nasty, anymore."

"You ok, Marinette?" Adrien asked.

"Mhhmm. Yeah!" she muttered back.

Nino attacked from behind.

"You finally grew a backbone and stood up to Chloe, mate. I'm proud!"

Adrien submitted to his hug warily.

He hadn't thought that that was the only time he'd stood up to Chloe. Besides, Marinette didn't normally need any sort of back-up when it came to Chloe. Did she?

**Present Day**

Their third date was actually going pretty well when disaster struck. Marinette was beginning to believe that they were cursed. Every single date they'd had had been interrupted. Every. Single. One. Three out of three. That couldn't just be a coincidence.

She'd been having a great time thrashing Chat at bowling. Especially as he'd insisted beforehand that there was no way she could beat him.

But then disaster had struck, as it was prone to doing. Marinette was aware that she was getting quite a bit of attention in the media for dating a superhero – that was kind of the plan after all. However, she hadn't quite foreseen that people would be so overly invested in, or angry about this new development in her love life. In hindsight, that was a mistake.

"How are we going to get out of here?" Chat asked her.

They were both hidden behind the counter of the bar at the back. The lady who worked there had let them crouch there, and had warned them when she saw the waves of rabid fans entering the bowling alley. Marinette thanked whoever was up in the sky that nice, ordinary, uninterested-in-superheroes'-love-lives people still existed.

"Where are the exits?" Marinette replied.

"They've blocked them all off, I think. Definitely the one we came in through and the back staff exit. We better hurry. This crowd is ripe for an akuma."

How were they meant to get out if all the exits were blocked? They couldn't just stay here, or they'd be…

"Ginger! Check this out! They're behind the counter!" squeaked a young girl with neon green hair.

Chat was already on the move. He picked Marinette up in fireman's lift and vaulted over the counter.

"Where do we go?" he hissed.

"You're going to like this, aren't you?" Marinette groaned as she realised what their one route of escape was.

"We're on a time limit," Chat warned, gesturing for her to get on with it.

"Let go of me and run for the bowling pins. We're going to be sliding out of here."

Understanding dawned on Chat. "On one, two, three.."

He dropped her and she took off running.

"They're over there!"  
"GET HER!"  
"Chat Noir!"  
"I want an autograph!"  
"Can I have an interview?"

They'd been noticed, it seemed. The bowling pins loomed ahead of her. If she missed the timing on this it was not only going to be humiliating, but spectacularly painful. They got larger and larger until Marinette had no choice but to jump till she was flat on her back, feet first and she continued to slide down.

Bowling pins came clattering down around her. From the side, another fresh rattle of them filled the space. Chat had made it too.

"I got manhandled by a ten year-old!" he hissed affrontedly, "I had to pick her up and physically move her to get away!"

"Struggling with the fame, Chat?"

"No, I'm unfortunately used to it," he sighed.

"Right, so where do we go from here?"

"I'm not sure."

"Rooftops is probably best."

"Ok then, _purr_ incess, looks like you better prepare to be carried bridal style this time."

"It's better than a fireman lift. I swear you did that one last time just to mess with me."

"Get your mind out of the _gutter_."

"I _will_ let your fans murder you. One more pun and I'll hardly feel any guilt over it."

They pushed out into the light of day. Chat's eyes twitched rapidly and by the time he could actually take in what he was looking at, it was too late.

"Marinette, you're so lucky!"  
"What's your secret?"  
"Slut."  
"Chat Noir, why don't you try and _bowl_ me over, I promise you won't _strike_ out."

Marinette pinched Chat's side. Some of the fans had stayed outside, apparently.

"Wake up, or we're going to have to push our way through the crowd."

"She punned," he whispered faintly.

"Oh, don't fall in love just yet," Marinette snapped back, "we need to get out of here unless you want them to rip you apart and sell your costume for pieces."

"Yep, okay, no that is not something I want to happen."

"They're converging and it's not like we fight them off. We can't vault to the rooftops because of this stupid canopy. We're gonna push our way through and run like hell, you understand."

"Yes Ma'am."

"Not funny. Go."

Chat picked her up, put her on his shoulders and started sprinting down the street.

"You didn't need to pick me up," Marinette growled.

"But darling, I can run much faster than you and I _really_ want to get away from these people."

" _Alley_ cat."

"Did you … just … pun?"

"Again, don't fall in love just yet," Marinette remarked dryly.

They pushed through the crowd easily – they obviously weren't expecting Chat to run straight at them.

However, after that they had more of a problem. As they were nearing the edge of the bowling alley's stupid canopy, Chat's breathing was getting increasingly laboured and the three fastest maniacs were closing in on them. Chat's insistence on carrying her meant he was much slower than he should be. Just as they reached the edge of the canopy, so close to freedom, someone jumped forward and swiped Chat's baton.

That was bad. Very bad. Now they couldn't escape. And if Chat needed his baton back to detransform properly… well they'd never tested it, but Marinette didn't exactly want to find out.

"Head towards the library, we can hide in there," Marinette ordered.

"This isn't good sunshine."

"I know okay, I know. – Do you always use increasingly random nicknames when you get nervous?"

"Not the time," Chat panted.

They'd finally reached the library. Chat dove between the children's section shelves. They'd seemingly managed to get rid of most of their pursuers, who'd been a turn behind and hadn't seen them dart into the library.

A mass of pixels began to form a blur behind Chat's back.

"I think your baton's reforming…"

"What, where?" Chat asked, as he craned his neck in a hopeless effort to see what Marinette was referring to.

The blur solidified into a baton.

"Yep, that's definitely your baton."

"Thank goodness. I'm calling Ladybug, she'll be able to get them to all calm down."

Marinette hid a smile. Somehow, she didn't think that Ladybug would be coming. Or that Ladybug would even be able to manage the fans in the first place – though she appreciated Chat's faith in her.

"Ladybug is currently unavailable. Please try again later."

Chat tried to call Ladybug again, but it just went straight to voicemail.

"Her kwami should tell her soon. She'll come. She'll come."

"What's a kwami?" Marinette asked, like she was a civilian that had no idea what a miraculous really was.

"Uhh, umm. Well you see, I probably shouldn't really tell you?" Chat muttered, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I was kidding. It's probably some sort of special, secret, powerful thing that's the key to your success and transformation," Marinette teased, because if her kitty had let something like that slip, she wasn't above torturing him a bit over it. Might as well have some fun while they waited out the screaming horde of fans.

"No, it's not that at all, don't be silly. It's just this super mundane thing. Yep. Totally boring."

Oh Plagg was so going to kill Chat for that later, Marinette thought. Chat had told her enough about his grumpy, demanding kwami, for her to know that numerous apologies involving camembert would have to be made before Chat could next transform.

Marinette's phone rang out through the library loud and clear, like a death knell.

"Can you hear that? Do you think it's them?" asked one of the few fans searching the library.

"Noo, no, no, turn off. Turn off, you stupid phone," Marinette whispered angrily, stabbing at her phone in desperation.

"First rule of sneaking around, turn off your phone. Shall we move?" muttered Chat, once she'd managed to turn the traitorous ringing off.

"We shall. Once we've moved though, I need to call Alya back."

"Whatever you say princess."

They did an awkward side shuffle round the stacks till they reached the explicit fiction section hidden away in the darkest depths of the library.

Marinette unwound her headphones from the mess they made in her (very stylish) bag.

"Gimme a sec, Chat. Alya might be able to help."

"Why hasn't Ladybug come yet? She would be able to help. I'm going to call her again."

"Marinette! I saw the news. Are you okay?" came Alya's tinny voice through the headphones.

"Chat and I are stuck in the library. Can you convince them we're somewhere else or something?"

"Absolutely."

"You sound guilty," accused Marinette.

"No!" Alya squeaked.

"Your voice only ever goes higher like that when you're hiding something Al, I know your tells."

"I'm sorry, M. I just, may have, slightly, put on the Ladybug how in love I thought you and Chat were and how you'd be on your third date soon. To help make Ladybug jealous and everything, but I think it might have um made a few people a little bit angry?"

"Alyaaaaaa."

"I know Mari, I'm sorry."

"You were only trying to help," Marinette sighed resignedly.

"But I'll be much more helpful if I go ahead and convince all of your fans that you're stuck in some janitorial closet together at school?"

"You're a godsend Alya."

"It's the least I could do. Now go get home before your parents text me again."

"Ahh."

"Yeah."

"Oops."

"Byyyye."

Marinette took her headphones out and sure enough, when she looked at her phone, there were multiple texts from her parents. Oh well, she'd deal with that later.

"Alya said she'd direct the fans to my school, so they should be leaving soon."

"That's good," Chat said distractedly.

"You ok?"

"Why didn't Ladybug show up, Marinette?"

"Maybe she was in the middle of something, or her 'kwami' couldn't get the message to her."

"Yeah, maybe."

"C'mon, we have places to be. My parents want to check that I haven't been mauled by a jealous fangirl."

"Right."

Marinette rolled her eyes.

"It's alright Chat, I'm sure there was a very good reason that Ladybug couldn't be your knight in shining armour."

"Neh," Chat stuck his tongue out at her.

"You make a very dashing damsel in distress, don't worry," Marinette laughed.

"Dashing, you say?" Chat flicked his hair, "I guess I am."

"Dork."

" _Claw_ ful, evil cat-slayer, you wound me!"

"We're clear."

"Hgh, you don't even feel guilty?"

"Get on with it, kitty." Marinette flicked Chat's nose.

"I hope your parents ground you when you get home," sniffed Chat dramatically.

"No, dice, I'm afraid, but if it makes you feel better we can bake macarons and you can eat them when we get home."

"Deal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> This chapter is quite disjointed, but I figured it was better to write all the short scenes in one go than to break them up into tiny chapters.
> 
> Sorry this chapter is two weeks late, but I wanted to take a break for Christmas.
> 
> I also want to apologise for the lack of stuck-together-in-a-tiny-space-to-avoid-detection trope. Don't worry, that will come later ;)

**Author's Note:**

> A/N:  
> And so it begins…


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